The Road I Travel

#12

Last semester on the last day before I moved out of the crack contraption I made a list of all the drugs that had been ingested in our room by my room mate and I. I went down all the lists on Erowid.com and in the end listed out over 45 different types of drugs that had been consumed only by the two of us in that room, and there were a few more that we did not take part in or were done elsewhere. The sad part is, i think this semester, when I havn’t done any drugs, i will probably get worse grades than either of the last two semesters. Aint that some shit?

#11

There once was a man named Sir Krump

who was in the shitter taking a dump

but then he looked down, and with despair

realized that there was no longer any toilet paper there

you see the problem with old mr sir krump

was that he was always in a bit of a slump

no matter what he did, no matter who he fucked

he was never anything more than a chump

but then one day, in the beginning of may

in a fit of rage he began to say

“im not taking this shit any more,

not even one more day”

So old mr sir Krump

after drying his rump

called his friend stan 

to work on a plan

he wanted to leave

but needed money

so they picked a bank, 

and stan called his honey

Stan said baby just help us out

but baby said no stan not with you, I got some doubts

bout you and that friend of yours too

She said, you see, that these two men were the worst lot of criminals shed ever seen

they’d surely die, not to mention krump’s a fat smelly old bastard thats kind of mean

But ol’ krump wasn’t having that negativity shit, no sir’ee

he went right on with his plan, he said bitch you’ll see

ill be on a beach in mexico drinkin tequilla and beers

while you’ll still be here 

because of your fears

but, you see, not even a fool proof plan like this could help old mr sir krump

not even this could get him out of his slump

you see the poor old bastard didnt even barely get through the door

when holding his gun, right in front of the cop, he slipped, and knocked his head on the floor

Krump awoke in a hospital bed, his pain was mild

but he noticed the nurses looking at him, they couldnt help but crack a smile

while watching old mr sir Krump lie in his slump

waiting to go to jail, that stupid old chump.

#10

Why is it that the sound of a plane makes our heart jump, why is it that i see signs along the highway asking for tips on anything out of the ordinary, why is it that we have to damn near strip naked to even get near a gate at an airport? The people of the country need to stop looking up at the sky waiting for the next plane to drop and move on with their lives, we as a people have become so paranoid and untrusting. God forbid you should pick up a hitch-hiker on the side of the road cause he might stab you and steal your car, and remember not to give any spare change to the homeless on the off chance they might score a little crack with it. We need to be rational. Yes bad things will happen and people are going to die in terrible ways, but if we go on living like this, waiting for something catastrophic to happen to us, we might as well already be dead. 

#9

Four words have haunted me ever since the first time I ate mushrooms two years ago, “why are we here?”. 

I’ve developed a few theories over the last couple years that try to explain in a rational sense what is going on in this universe we live in. Im not a religious person, but i do believe that there is something more powerful and complex than we humans can begin to understand. I don’t believe in a god, per say, however i do believe in a directional force that decides what path we all take as a collective unit on this earth. I believe this force is the collective direction of all living things on earth. All else equal, the sum of all of our directions should move us in a random direction, which i don’t believe we are, i believe there is purpose to this life, or at least i hope there is.  I believe in free choice; all of us are able to do anything we choose, our path is not chosen for us, but is in fact altered by the lives of others and the choices they make. I believe the reason we make the coices we make is that we have some innate connection with this collective force. I think thats why many people believe in religion, because they feel this connection to other people that they cannot explain so they misinterprate it as a connection to a higher power such as a god, that is in charge of all actions.

I used to wonder about the future and the past. If time travel is possible, and you can in fact travel into the future then that means that everything is already planned, that the future is already written. I don’t believe in time travel. i like to think that the future is being written every second and without the influence of future unknown variables and the choices we will all make from now until then there can not possibly be a future that is already written. Then there is our pasts. If something happened to you yesterday that you dont remember and nobody saw, did it ever exist. All that you are for today is what is remembered or recorded from the past. you exist because of your parents and they exist because of those before them. During cell reproduction certain traits and characteristics are passed from one cell to the next, this means a little part of that cell lives on into the future after death. I think this is the case with life, we exist because of those who came before us and will live on into the future for the children we have, the things that are remembered of us, and in the ways that we influence other peoples lives. 

I know im rabling on like a 21st century prophet that thinks he has all the answers but that’s not the case, I dont pretend to have any more informatin about this earth than anyone else could, but i feel like im one of the few people out there that are looking for the answers that have never been found. 

#8

I just found out that you can set the clock on your iphone to make it whatever you want. I set mine two minutes ahead so that wenever im looking at my phone ill be two minutes ahead of everybody else. Im right now writing to you from the future. Beat that.

#7

In july 1961 at yale university, a professor named stanley milgram devised an experiment where he would tell students to teach another person pairs of words that they were to remember. When the ‘learner’ would get it wrong the experimentor would instruct the ‘teacher’ to give the other person an electric shock. The voltage of this electric shock increased by 15 volts every time the learner would get a question wrong. In reality there werent actually any shocks, the learner was in on the experiment and was only pretending but the teacher did not know this, in their mind they were giving out potentially lethal shocks of electricity only because they were told to do so by an authority figure. More than half of the yale university students involved in the study reached all the way to 450 volts which was labeled ‘lethal’, even after being told that the person being shocked had a heart problem.

Why do we as humans take in what people tell us and assume its true, why do we do things that we don’t want to do just because an authority figure tells us we must. Maybe we’d all be better off if we separated ourselves from other people and authority and do what feels right instead of what others tell us is right. As i look back i wonder how many of my decisions have really been mine. Its hard to remember how decisions were made in the past, I like to think i was mostly in control of my life but that could just be my own mind altering the real events and how things really played out. How many of the decisions i made in terms of how to live my life were really my decisions and not some authority figure like a parent or teacher telling me what i have to do and how i should do it. Im going to work on starting to think completely for myself and not let people tell me to do things that i don’t think are right. 

#6

Karma’s a bitch

For those of you who don’t believe in karma I’m here to tell you its real, and its a subtle bitch. I sometimes find myself wishing that my friends would stop using opiates, not because they cost a lot of money or because the drugs make them a bad person or anything like that, but because when i look at them take all these drugs that i introduced them to, i feel like shit. The worst thing I’ve ever done in my life is to introduce all those people that i cared about to drugs that there still on, and that I’m now free of. I have friends who have dropped out of school, or been expelled, friends that have almost overdosed and almost been shot, or almost arrested. I dont believe that this is entirely my fault as all these people are grown people who can make their own decisions, but i dont know what i would do if someone died from a drug that i introduced them to in the first place, or that i did with them for months on end.

#5

Can anyone really live a care free life? Ive always known people in my life who come of so carefree, just having a good time and coasting through life. I think this is what i’m chasing in life, the ability to just take things as they come and be relaxed, maybe thats why i have such a gravitational pull towards chemicals made to slow down your mind. most of the best times in my life were during times where i was really able to not give a shit about anything, to lie in the sun staring at the sky hoping it would never end.

#4

this aint me babe

all the worry all the stress

its all just a fucking mess

i like to think im strong enough

i like to say its not too rough

but now and then i begin to see

this towns just not made for me

how many nights ive sat awake thinking

im drowning here im slowly sinking

how often have i wished i could get on a plane

to travel europe, to feel the london rain

i want to go anywhere as long as im free

cause babe, this towns just not big enough for me

#3

What is a craving?

As of today i have been off hard drugs for 6 months. Quitting heroin was one of the hardest things ive done in my entire life. After the first month or so, though, ive liked to think that i didnt really have any of the cravings i hear people refer to. The problem is though, its pretty hard to define what a craving is, they are different for everyone. Cravings for drugs, at least for me, are very different then cravings for cigarettes or alcohol. 

It was late january when maryland had the first of two snowstorms later refered to as snowpocalypse 2010. i woke up to about 10 inches of snow covering the streets and it was still coming down like id never seen before. It was then i realized that i was probably going to be stuck in the house for more than a day or two. That is a terrible realization for a drug addict. I selfishly contacted a friend of mine with a 4-wheel drive truck and convinced him that we should still make our normal treck out to baltimore. He hastily agreed. Besides the cars crashed on the side of the road, we were the only idiots we saw trying to drive down route 70 that day. After nearly crashing about a million times, we made it to wilkens ave. and put in a call to our normal guys, who seemed genuinely surprised to be getting a call from the white boys from howard county on a day like that. After copping we somehow we managed to get back out to the main streets through the back alleys covered in a foot and a half of snow. we made it back to howard county just as the sun was beggining to go down, thanking whatever god was up there that we didnt kill ourselves driving. just as we were thinking about going home and quit pushing our luck driving around, two other friends called us and told us they had just gotten some money from shoveling a drive way and would buy us a pill if we brought them down. so naturually, we drove, high on dope, through two feet of snow, all the way back to baltimore and back. It was hands down the dumbest, most self destructive night of my life, and yet when i look back on it now it was probably the most fun i’ve ever had in my life. 

This is what a craving is, for me anyway, when i have to look back on these times in my life that were so deadly and so destructive and yet so exhilarating; and then try to remind my self that i can still have fun without being so patently self destructive, that i can form new relationships that are real and not formed on a common addiction. im beginning to think i can, six months has made me wiser, and i’m starting to try to rebuild my life, but those memories are in and of them selves the most dealy and yet subtle cravings anyone could imagine.